I’m contemplating my final self intervention. I thought that cutting my caloric intake in by a factor of two would be a great idea. However, I think right now a positive perspective would be more helpful for me. Starting next Wednesday, Nov. 21, I’ll only express positive things and see how this affects me. As far as “I can’t do that!” I will require that I stay honest. What will have to change in order for me to be able to do that?… I think I’ll have to be able to find a positive perspective on things that I might otherwise not consider positive.
So, Sunday, Nov. 2. My week of intervention is largely characterized by stunning failure – over and over again. This is not to say the intervention was a failure. The awareness of my “aspired state” was always with me and I was often quick to see myself fail in real time. This often allowed me to retreat from the antagonistic interaction and it was often evident that my retreat lead to a relaxation of tension. Last Tuesday, after a particularly difficult evening, I was suddenly more committed and it seems I’m now able to say only positive things… or largely. However, it’s not exactly what one might hope for. Mostly I say nothing at all. I’m very quiet now. I no longer parent my son, in the sense of being an authority. Consequently, we get along much better. Additionally, it seems I get along better with Robin too because I have no conflict with Neil. I also am reluctant to challenge Robin. Tekuru and I have no conflicts any more. She determines her schedule. I don’t make her ride a bike, I drive her where she wants to go, and we will negotiate an “end time” for cell phone use on the infrequent occasion that she sleeps over. We get along well now. I took her and her friend surfing last weekend. It was fun.
I’m watching both my feelings and inner processes. There’s more peace, but I feel removed and somewhat resentful. It seems to me that my behavior resembles that of a traditional American father/husband. I think I like myself less with this behavior change. I remain committed to continue this experiment and see where it leads; what I learn.